The Long and Winding Road

Here I am, to spin you a yarn of my travels. This time our weekend adventures led us to the country of Laos. The biggest reason for our visit was because we needed to renew our visas, but you better believe we made a good time out of it! The first part of our journey entails the ride to Laos. We were so excited because our driver (yup, we have a personal driver) was going to take us in our roomy van. Now, you must know, we left at 11:30 PM and had a 6 hour drive ahead of us. Plan: sleep all the way. Execution: lay awake while being jostled around. No, jostled isn't the right word. More like being launched into space itself. No lie, at one point, I was levitating. My first thought was that I really was a wizard after all. Then reality struck and I was just a mere muggle seeing my last few moments on planet earth. I don't know how someone can actually drive like that and not fly off the road. Amazing. This ride was so bumpy that it popped my contact right out of my eyeball. Its a miracle I even found it. And then about ten miracles after that that I actually KEPT my contact. The Gods were trying to take away my sight for three days. When I found my contact, it was all dried up. I went into doctor mode and grabbed the first water bottle in sight and not dumped, but threw water onto the contact. As you can imagine, most of it landed on my pants. My next solution: carry it around in a lid from a water bottle. So...I filled out my paper work, handed my passport over, bought my bus pass, rode the bus, crossed the border, all while holding my specimen in that lid. Not suspicious at all. 

Alas, we made it to Laos. Such a funny place. It was fun! But strange. Kaitlen, Angee, and I went to a water park for our first exposure to Laos. The disappointment when we arrived was laughable. There were slides, but no water. We did however find a "lazy river." Only not so much lazy as stagnant. You know you have been out of America a long time when this conversation ensues: 

"Is that a band-aid or a fish?"

"Dunno."

"Ah well."

And proceed to get in the water. Picture us walking in this "lazy river," feeling the slime on the bottom. Then some guy yells, "GET. OUT." Turns out the thing wasn't workign. Haha he was probably wondering why we would ever want to get in it in the first place. Lucky for us, they turned the water on and happiness was brought back to the earth. 

We saw a lot of cool things in Laos. Like this arch:

And this temple:

And this statue:

But I want to fast forward to the fountain. We saw this fountain, nothing too special. I mean it was cool, it changed colors. But its what happened at the fountain that I want to share with you. So occasionally we ask a passerby to take our group photo. We use Dianna's camera because it's the nicest, but you have to look through the camera instead of having a little screen. This confuses people to no end. Particularly the lady at the fountain. We all pose together waiting for her to take it. First her problem was not being able to find the right button to push. It took about five tries for her to find the right button. Then her next issue was knowing where to look. Dianna explained to her she needed to look through it. If only I had a picture of what her idea of looking through it meant. So instead I drew you a crude sketch of what I saw:

As you can see (more or less) She was looking through the space between the pop up flash and the top of the camera. So we just see her confused, blinking eye staring at us. The poor girl. We are all in hysterics over her inability to work a camera. I was buckled over with laughter. In the end, we got a good photo. 

One of the downsides of Laos: Humanity. We had to wait in line to get our visas so we went about an hour and a half early so that we could get in and get out. Well apparently people don't have any concept of a line. They just moseyed on to the front of the gate, totally aware that there was a line but quote, "didn't want to wait that long." It was astounding how many people cut in front of us. Not only were they butting, but it was the type of people who were committing such an act. The type of people I am talking about? Old, old, old men (did I mention they were OLD) with their young floosy Lao wives. That's right, they use their money to buy these loose women. It. Was. Sick. Some things cannot be unseen. 

Other than losing my faith in the human race, Laos was a great vacation! The ride home was not as bumpy, thank goodness. But I did have a self realization. You can't say Dumbledore in a serious conversation more than five times and expect to still sound like a mature adult. Learned that one the hard way. 

Well friends and fellow stalkers, hope you enjoyed my adventurous, be it long, story of my travels to Laos! Until next time, Peace and Love :)

If I Fell

Well, well, well, another successful weekend in Chiang Mai. It's a magical town where time stops. Once again we left late Friday night and took that blasted bus of horror. 6 hours. Loud Asian music. Psychotic music videos. Those are like a train wreck. So terrifying yet you can't look away. But the important thing is, I was able to sit behind Kaitlen so I could pluck out her hairs for my collection. All in all a successful bus ride! (If that isn't unsettling to you in anyway....then there is no hope for humanity). We arrived in Chiang Mai at the butt crack of dawn where we met our new friend! Some dude traveling alone joined us to our hostel. His name is Nathan, from Canada. Cool story Hansel. (About 3% of you will get that joke).

Onto my adventures. The first thing on our list is......TIGERS! Can I just say, my heart exploded with love when we got to play with the baby tigers.

Ain't he the cutest?

Making a giant leap towards Crazy Cat Lady

Those were the babies. It really doesn't get any cuter than that. Next stop. The somewhat-larger-but-still-on the-small-scale tigers. These ones are 6 months old. The only problem is, there is no comfortable way of posing with these creatures. You can't go in front of them. Soooo...you must spoon their hind legs basically. And the bigger they get, the more awkward the pose. Observe. 

This one..not too bad. It's borderline awkward but soon I just jump right over that line. 

I always gotta be creepin

And for the next size up....

This just in, we have crossed the border into Awkwardville.

Awkward Family Photo, anyone?

Funny thing about this picture. While we were posing for this, the tiger on the left totally back handed me with its tail. Slapped me! Right across the face! Other than the shock of how much a tail slap hurt, it was hilarious! Unfortunately, it wasn't documented....wa wa :(

And for the last tiger experience....

The Big One

I don't care who you are, there's no right way to spoon a giant tiger. 

Our Canadian friend

So the tiger thing was great, right? Our next little event involved some scooters. That's right scooters. Me. On a scooter. SCOOTERS! Did I make it clear that I was riding a scooter? In Thailand? Where they drive on the left side of the road?? They don't really have right of way or anything. Its just whoever drive faster gets to go. But hey, if it works, it works! Eventually we got the hang of it. But in about the first 30 seconds, this is what happened:

How did this happen, you ask? Well, have a sit and let me tell you! It all started on a hot day on the streets of Chiang Mai.....we get on our scooters and of course, mine is all sorts of jacked up. That's right, it was the scooters fault ;) This particular scooter decided it would be a good idea to randomly kill while I was goin along (kill as in stop moving, not kill as in shoot balls of flames at pedestrians) but then jerk forward with more momentum then in the first place. AKA it was trying to kill me. (This time kill as in cracking my skull into a million pieces, not kill as in stop me from moving). So as fate would have it, on my first turn sure enough my scooter stops then having a force greater then Yoda himself (ya I just went there) the thing jerked forward. Then time stopped. I hope you picture the next train of events in slow motion. As I am hurling forward I see this guy on his scooter. Stationary. He just stared at me, coming straight at him. And I can only imagine that the image on my face was trying to communicate "I am terrified, but also I apologize for what is about to happen." I knew it was coming but there was nothing I could do. He knew it was coming. But there was nothing he could do either. I swiped him. I am not quite sure the extent of my swiping but I MIGHT have gotten his foot. At least he has a story to tell. This collision caused me to be thrown from my scooter onto the pavement where I got my lovely cut you see above along with crazy bruises located on my inner thighs, chest, neck and arm. I am lucky I didn't get run over by the car I landed in front of. I almost wish I would have, so end the embarrassment. The scooter was on top of me, and the throttle was hitting the ground at just the right angle to make my back tire go "RRRRRRRRRIIINNNGDDDDDINNNGDIIIINGGGGGG" and if I already hadn't drawn enough attention the horn on my scooter was honking. There you have it. I am an imbecile. But after the commotion ensued, I actually had quite an enjoyable scoot. 

Temple we found on our ride

The extremely smoggy view

The rest of Chiang Mai was filled with great conversations, shopping, and gorgeous temples. Overall, another glorious weekend in Thailand. And just for your personal enjoyment, I will add these. Because I know you want these burned into your memory:

Peace and Love :)

All You Need is Love

Here I am again with another yarn from my journey over seas. To start off, I shall tell you all about.....wait for it.....the Thai Wedding! Our coordinator Tang has been planning her wedding while we have been here. Her husband to be...Ake. What a guy :) It seemed so far away when we arrived, but out of nowhere it came! And this is how it went:

Event number 1: wake up at 4:30 AM. It's already sounding fun, right?

Event number 2: Thai teachers dress us in our tradition Thai attire. These dresses were gorgeous. Be that as it may, they weren't the most flattering article of clothing I have ever worn. 

Getting dressed. I am kind of just creepily standing there.

Event number 3: wait about two hours to get our hair and make up done. Yup, you heard me. Tang and Ake hired two guys to do our hair and makeup. They were quite the duo. They didn't speak much English. About the only thing I could understand was "Smokey eyeeeeeeeeee" and "Super staaaaaaar" and "Princess Dianaaaaaaaa" and something about questioning me if I even liked makeup. Guess I just give off that grungy, homeless, butch vibe. Oh and lots of laughter. Directed at us. Don't know why you cause such an uproar in hilarity, but hey, think of all the fairies that are being born because I can make two gay guys laugh for about an hour straight without saying anything. And, there's probably a rule somewhere that a gay laugh births two fairies instead of one. Haha line. Crossed. 

Finished product. And you said dreads couldn't look fancy....

Event number 4: Morning ceremony. Unfortunately I missed a great deal of the beginning part. They start with the Engagement. So instead of getting engaged months in advance like we do in the states, they get engaged the morning of their wedding. A good three hours was just Tang and Ake sitting while monks chanted (which was pretty cool) and lots of bowing and and such. Then they moved to a table where each person poured holy water in the bride and groom's hands. If you know me at all, you are probably feeling nervous for me right about now. Me, holding a glass conch, filled with holy water, pouring it in the hands of the bride and groom, in front of a hundred people. The good news is I surprised myself and escaped any embarrassing or humiliating maneuvers. Hooray for me!

Morning Ceremony. My advanced photography skills managed to get
Mom's spiky hair and the video guy. Ya.....we will say I was going for that. 

Eh, eh?? How many people get to wear traditional Thai dresses at a Thai  wedding?? Tell me!

Event number 5: I think this was the actual marriage ceremony. Not certain. But the basic idea was that Ake had to buy Tang from her parents. And this is where it became very clear to me that A) money is not an issue with these people and B) I need a daughter to marry a Thai guy. Ake gave them cases and cases of expensive looking jewelry. It doesn't stop there. There were a couple of stacks of wrapped up money. And each bill was 1000 baht! I can't even calculate how much baht that must have been. 1000 baht is equivalent to about 33 dollars. There was probably a couple hundred thousand baht, possibly more. These guys are rollin in the dough!

Marriage Ceremony

Giving of gifts

Event number 6: So after the marriage ceremony, everyone lines up and ties. one string on the groom's wrist and one on the bride's. I just thought you waited your turn, then once you got up there just tie the string on and leave. Oh no. I was wrong. While I am tying my string onto Ake's wrist, he says something to me. It was that awkward moment where I didn't really hear what he said so I just chuckled, waved my hand around a bit, and moved on. APPARENTLY, what Ake DID say was "Okay now make a wish for me" and my response was supposed to be something like "I wish happiness for you and Tang" or "I wish that you will be successful in your job" or "I wish that you will grow wings a fly across the world and discover uncharted land where unicorns reside as intelligent beings" would have been better than: "Make a wish for me" "Oh, ha ah ah ah ha ahhhhh..." and move on. But all is well because at the end of the line they give you a gift. I got a towel.

This next event was one of my favorites, number 7: Now that they are married Ake must "find" Tang. So Tang hid somewhere in the school and Ake searched for her. But he had to cross barriers to get to her. This is where I come in. You and a partner are supposed to hold a line (in our case, a yellow piece of yarn. Ya, we are high class) and once Ake comes to your barrier you much negotiate a price he must pay to get passed. I thought this was all just a ruse to involve the guests, but I was delighted to discover that me and my group scored 1300 baht! It ended up being about 7 bucks each! Thai people know how to throw a wedding...

Our winnings 

This concluded the 6 hours of rituals. We were able to have a break in the afternoon. I know what your thinking, there's more?! I will pretend that the "there's more?!" that just escaped your lips was in excitement, not dismay.

Event number 8: Hair and makeup. Again. Only this time we weren't as important. Guests kept meandering in as they pleased to get all gussied up. And instead of picking the girls that had been waiting for 4 hours, they chose the diva basking in her throne of over compensated narcissism. Yup, I derived that by just watching them do her makeup. So what, sue me! Unfortunately, thanks to Miss Diva Pants, we missed the first part of the reception. Which was our students holding Tang's train and throwing flowers. I lost sleep over that one. But not to fear, we got our hair did and our smokey eye on and joined the party. 

Oh Prae... :)

You can deduce a lot about a person who wears a Tinkerbell costume to a wedding

Love this kid

Good ol' Tang

And there you have it! After a long day of matrimony, we finally got to rest. (For a few hours that is, but that's whole other story entirely). If you would like to see more pictures of the wedding, refer to my facebook page. Please. And once again, I will keep you posted on my adventures! Until next time, Peace and Love :)